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TW: IRL Death
Welp, it's going to be a new year- in approximately one hour, more or less. A new year, a new beginning; an entirely clean slate, to fill with what I please.
I think- think- I've done everything correctly. I've tacked up the whole syllabus for the upcoming exams on my wall. I've listed down all my New Year resolutions and even delegated some to my bucketlist instead. It did not make it much shorter. I'm going to watch a Barbie animated classic with my sister- our tradition. Everything looks alright. I'm at a much better place than I was last year.
And yet.
Last year, I was more at peace, because I knew I had nothing to lose. This year, I'm taking loss into the new year with me.
This was going to be a fun new blog, about the fics I'd planned for the year, and the ones I was going to go back to; but then one of my college friends died. Just before the new year. We barely knew each other for a semester; we were not as close as I am with some others. but I was so looking forward to it- to knowing her, fully, completely, to having her presence nearby even if we weren't talking to each other right at that moment. And now I will never have that, and I feel like something's been stolen, something that belonged to the world, but what I must now learn to let go. I didn't even know I could lose it, but I did, and now I'm less because of it.
I was scrolling through my gallery, for pics of her. I've never been an avid photo-taker. I never saw the point. But now I think, scrolling, scrolling, that I was arrogant. That I never thought to capture the moment because I thought the moment would never change. Everything would stay the same. I was arrogant, in thinking my memory could ever have been enough. And now I have to screenshot her profile picture, just to have something of her.
I'm sorry. I wish I'd taken more photos with you.
Welp, it's going to be a new year- in approximately one hour, more or less. A new year, a new beginning; an entirely clean slate, to fill with what I please.
I think- think- I've done everything correctly. I've tacked up the whole syllabus for the upcoming exams on my wall. I've listed down all my New Year resolutions and even delegated some to my bucketlist instead. It did not make it much shorter. I'm going to watch a Barbie animated classic with my sister- our tradition. Everything looks alright. I'm at a much better place than I was last year.
And yet.
Last year, I was more at peace, because I knew I had nothing to lose. This year, I'm taking loss into the new year with me.
This was going to be a fun new blog, about the fics I'd planned for the year, and the ones I was going to go back to; but then one of my college friends died. Just before the new year. We barely knew each other for a semester; we were not as close as I am with some others. but I was so looking forward to it- to knowing her, fully, completely, to having her presence nearby even if we weren't talking to each other right at that moment. And now I will never have that, and I feel like something's been stolen, something that belonged to the world, but what I must now learn to let go. I didn't even know I could lose it, but I did, and now I'm less because of it.
I was scrolling through my gallery, for pics of her. I've never been an avid photo-taker. I never saw the point. But now I think, scrolling, scrolling, that I was arrogant. That I never thought to capture the moment because I thought the moment would never change. Everything would stay the same. I was arrogant, in thinking my memory could ever have been enough. And now I have to screenshot her profile picture, just to have something of her.
I'm sorry. I wish I'd taken more photos with you.
